Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Chuck C's In Love (NOT!)

What to do with this pickle...what to do...

Um...Ol' South Beach Charlie's recently turned over a new leaf. No, not the one on the visiting Michaelangelo's “David” statue, you sillies. Rather, it would appear that as the fine folks at AmericaBlog simply described it, “Florida Governor Charlie Crist is engaged. To a woman.”

For some reason, I keep picturing Robin Williams, Nathan Lane and a stumble-bumming Hank Azaria when I think of the post-wedding photo-op. Wonkette's there of course, tipsy as all hell, and boxing-out for the bouquet-toss...


Charlie Crist Getting Married So He Can Pretend To Be McCain’s Vice President Until November

Orange-skinned Florida “bachelor 4 life” Charlie Crist is the latest in Florida's long line of moderate Republican politicians who live swinging, middle-aged male lives without women. But he apparently really wants to lose with John McCain this fall, so he has announced the impending tinkle of little wedding bells!

Charlie was married for like five days way back in 1980, but that didn’t work out so well, due to differences between Charlie and the lady, whoever she was. He had some fake girlfriend last year; we don’t remember what happened to her.

This little spectacle is kind of sad to see. The warped self-loathing and denial—while supporting every possible gay-bashing piece of legislation his party mounts (pun unintended—seriously) is enough to give anyone whiplash—especially a “known” quantity like the Orange state's Crist. But this level of game-running for mere ambition's sake is just this side of stunning. It's called “being true to yourself” Charlie. And if you can't do that, the idea of play-acting while mocking marriage (be it of the straight or gay variety) is pretty damned craven in it's ugly-ass self Chucky.

Which put me in the mood for a fine pop recording...albeit with a bit of a twist...

(Sung to the tune of Rickie Lee Jones' “Chuck E's In Love”)

How come he don't come and go D.L. with me...
Down at “The Birdcage” any more?
And how come he turn off the Liberacé...
And hang that new lock on the back door?
We call and we call.—“He's done” they say.
Heeeeyyyyy what could make a boy behave this way?

He's spurned the old times now, and every time...
His hands don't flutter when he talk.
And it's true! It's true! He sure has acquired...
A kinda new and contrived sorta swagger when he walk.
Where's his hanky and his snug blue jeans?
If this ain't reality, then it's some kinda scheme.

Fact is...
Chuck C's In Love.
Chuck C's In Love. (Love, love, love...)
Chuck C's In Love.
Chuck C's In...

...But we don't believe 'cause he's playin' for VP...
This is something I gotta see...
Is he here?
We look in the Boy-Bar.
Is he here?
We look in the plant store.
This is queer...
No, he don't come here no more.

I'll tell you what, I saw him...
He was neckin' stiffly with some girl—outrageous!
And whatever is that he got up his sleeve...
I'm sure it's quite advantageous.
What's her name? Is that her there?
Christ, I think he's even stopped using Nair™!
Hangin' with her...runnin' a game.
Oh, it's never going to be same.
But mum's the word...
We know what's wrong—
'Cause Chuck C's in love with the chance McCain'll maybe drag him along.

Don't you know...
Chuck C's In Love. (Yeah, yeah)
Chuck C's In Love. (Love, love, love...)
Chuck C's In Love. (Yeah, yeah)
Chuck C's In...
Chuck C's In Loooo-ooove.
Chuck C's in Loooo-ooove...with bein' VP!


UPDATE: From our good friend and longtime reader from Ye Olde News Blog days Matthew Saroff, we have this—the results of an online poll from The South Florida Sun Sentinel newspaper. The question? “Do You Think Gov. Crist's Engagement Is Politically Motivated?

The results? For Charlie, Not very fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-bu-lous!