Tuesday, January 22, 2008


FRED THOMPSON propped up in front of standing in front of a campaign banner that he apparently has no clue about—Photo manipulation: LowerManhattanite

MCLEAN, VA./NASHVILLE, TN: In a move that stunned...somebody, former Senator Fred Thompson (R-TN) ended his bid for the presidency via a statement delivered by Western Union Telegram to various news agencies. Ironically, the message's delivery method seemed to very much encapsulate Thompson's difficulty in communicating his message during the arduous 14 1/2 hours of actual campaigning he undertook.

His dismal performance in the South Carolina primary last week was “the straw that kinda laid there on the rotting, buzzard-picked, camel carcass' back” said one campaign insider who chose to remain anonymous out of simple embarassment.

Thompson campaign headquarters at the historic Fall School Building in Nashville was abuzz with activity minutes ago as a truck in front was filled with the detritus of a campaign at its end. Scores of cellophane bagged pillows, box upon box of Dearfoams™ slippers, and what appeared to be several large, unopened cartons from the Barcalounger™ company were loaded out and onto the truck as many Thompson '08 staffers looked on with wet, sleep-crusted eyes.

“This was my first campaign.” said Kit Hobbleson, a young staffer who stood on the sidewalk in flannel pajamas and a robe. “It was so much fun. We had theme days. I guess you can see that this was 'Pajama Tuesday'”, he added. A female co-hort chimed in “Pajama Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Fridays were pretty nice too. We're going to miss it. Big time.”

Workmen grappled with a heavy instant hot Postum vending machine, trying to squeeze it through the front door of the headquarters. Hobbleson and his co-worker held hands at the sight.

“Damn. It really is over.”, he said with a catch in his throat.

There were though. some shocked reactions to Thompson's campaign's end. Particularly certain higher ups in the Republican Party. Republican National Committee Chairman Robert M. “Mike” Duncan seemed quite surprised at Thompson's departure.

“I am shocked at this unfortunate turn of events...and saddened.”, Duncan said. “Our bookkeeping situation here at headquarters is not what it should be and we were not aware until today's announcement that Fred was even running. That's a tragedy. That so capable a man could run a campaign without his own party even being privy to it. It's a loss for the party, a loss for me personally, and I can only imagine how Frank himself must be feeling.”

When reminded that the candidate in question was “Fred” and not “Frank”, Duncan shook his head and quietly mused. “Like I said...this is a tragedy.”