Thursday, October 30, 2008

A Human Don Rickles Punchline

More Fun From The Gang That Couldn't Campaign Straight

It was the Mighty, Mighty Driftglass who I first noted saying some one or thing was enough of a a failure where “they could fuck up a two-car funeral procession”. That nifty turn of phrase always stuck with me, as one would have to be just a total deficient to manage such a fantastic feat of “FAIL”.

In recent weeks, the McCain campaign has managed to smash up both clown cars in their sad motorcade of a campaign. Whether it was the ill-fated and embarrassing “My Act Isn't Together, And I'm Taking It Off The Road” debacle of his campaign “suspension” during the pivotal early days of the financial meltdown, or his damaging Ayers dog-whistling for weeks, or his craven pushing of the Ashley Todd “Chifferobe-gate™” hoax, it has been a cornucopia of rake-steps and thumb-hammerings so abundant that the late night talk shows would have to start at 9 p.m. EST just to have enough time to cover them all.

John McCain was bad enough, what with David Letterman slashing at his integrity—and that's exactly what Dave was doing, and damaging him badly—for the weeks after his punk-assed reneging on a show appearance, but it has been Sarah Palin and her proud—almost giddy embrace of “teh stupid” that has been the hearty, bottomless cup of “cringe comedy” that never lets you leave the table.

When people can tale your exact words and mannerisms, do them verbatim and bring the house down, you have become a joke. A bi-pedal, opposable-thumbed, clothes-wearing joke.

(Cue generic 1950's Doo-Wop music in the background, with shoys of bobby-soxers and greasers shimmying at a sock-hop)

Who can forget these all-time hits?(On her opinion of the Bush Doctrine:) “In what respect, Charlie?” (On what news she reads:) “Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years.” (On what Supreme Court decisions she disagrees with) Paraphrase: “Du-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-hhhh?”

Yes, you get all the classics, but folks, if you keep watching this train wreck—THERE'S MORE! There's the “wink” at the debate! Her 'I'm a Ha-a-a-ckeee mahm!' appearance at the Philadelphia Flyers opener where she dropped the ceremonial puck to a chorus of boos so loud that it has now been discovered that the team's wingnut owner ordered canned cheers piped in over the arena's P.A. system to drown out the crowd's displeasure!

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-nnnnnd most recently, this tuneful ditty of snake-bit, you-can't-make-this-stuff-up, “just...give it up” gold...

Goalie Injured After Tripping on Palin Carpet
Filed at 11:50 p.m. ET

ST. LOUIS (AP) --Blues goalie Manny Legace left after one period Friday night with a hip injury that occurred when he slipped on the carpet placed on the ice for Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

The Alaska governor dropped the ceremonial first puck before the Blues hosted the Los Angeles Kings. A narrow carpet walkway was placed from the gate at the Blues bench to center ice for Palin, her husband and two of her daughters.

Just before the ceremony, Legace was the first player onto the ice for St. Louis. A team official pointed to the carpet. But Legace said the official moved his own foot from the carpet just as Legace stepped down, causing the carpet to slide.

Legace fell, then gingerly made his way to the crease.

After Legace's mishap, the official rolled up enough of the carpet so other players wouldn't have to step on it.

Legace described the injury as a strained left hip flexor. He doesn't believe it is serious but said it is painful. He said he won't play Saturday when the Blues host Florida, but wasn't sure if he'd miss any additional games.

“I felt a pull right away,”' Legace said. “'I was hoping it would just go away.”

But after making his first save, the injury felt worse, Legace said. He played one period, giving up two goals on 12 shots.

Yes, you read it right...Sarah Palin couldn't even go to a Goddamned NHL hockey game without a star player getting injured as a direct result of her bubble-headed, doom-trailing presence.

He tripped and busted his ass on the carpet they laid out for her.

Can ya'll do nothing right? This is your whole schtick, ain't it? Drop a puck, kill a moose, I dunno, pull some strings and get a dude you don't like fired? You're supposed to rock at this stuff...what happened? The hell with Steve Schmidt, is “Bad Luck Schleprock” running this joke of a campaign?

You remember Schleprock, right...

But really, the first thing that popped into my mind when I read this story in the news was the image of a beet-red and infuriated Don Rickles leather-lunging from the cheap seats up top as the whole P.R. bed-shit went down, “You hockey puck!”, at Palin and the assembled coterie of tone-deaf campaign gits who yes, as Drifty put it, “could fuck up a two car funeral”—and in fact have for the last five awful weeks.

They have become a punch-line. A human, Don Rickles punchline. “You Hockey Pucks!” Classic.

And to the esteemed Senator from Arizona, after your haterific words the last two days about World Series. delays, playing the Arab-hate card, and crying poor over Obama's having money to run last night's ad when your ass tried to opt out of public campaign financing yourself in February, there is another classic Rickles punchline and album title that sums you up just as succinctly...just as perfectly as “You Hockey Puck!”...