Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Girl That I'll Vote For

Strong Woman's Shadow, Addis Ababa, Ethiopa, photo by Margré

The Girl That I'll Vote For

After close observation, I've learned that the woman candidate who deserves to be elected the first female President (and by deserves, I mean passes the refined litmus test of male progressive bloggers) will have to meet the following criteria:

(1) Won't object to being called a girl, no matter how old she is. (See Humorless below.)

(2) Thinks "bitch" is funny and can be reclaimed. (See Humorless below.)

(3) Doesn't wear pantsuits. I mean, how wacky is that, women in pants? (The persistent refusal to wear dresses kicks in TPR™, Testicular Protective Response, which is of course a woman's responsibility to keep from being engaged.)

(4) Is not Humorless, as defined by the Adam Sandler (NOT the Tina Fey) Lofty Standards of Comedy.

(5) Is not fat. Or disabled, yikes.

(6) Is neither "hawkish" nor "soft" on national security. (Hawkishness is reserved for PBO™, Penis Bearers Only.)

(7) Is not tearful in public. (Manipulative.)

(8) Is not angry in public. (Harpy.)

(9) Is not stoic in public. (Frigid.)

(10) Has been "more than just a Senator". (Fine for PBO™, though.)

(11) Doesn't try to count eight years living and working in the White House as experience. (Fine for sons of former Presidents, though.)

(12) Has bred. (Proof of uterus + PIV sex.) She'll need the ability to use mothering for analogies, since she is forbidden from using sports analogies (PBO™).

(13) Has a hairstyle which is Not Dykey and requires more care than just washing and blow-drying. (Okay for PBO™, though.)

(14) Has never been married to or closely related to a man who is/was powerful in politics, because she's like totally responsible for anything he ever did. (Cleared for PBO™, of course -- dynasties are so cool there, I mean, did you hear how the Kennedys came on board for Obama?)

(15) Does not believe that "women's issues" -- rape as terrorism, infant mortality, human trafficking, reproductive rights, poverty, domestic violence, unequal pay, etc. -- are nearly as serious as, say, offshore drilling.

(16) Will never make male bloggers have an unpleasant memory of their mother, ex, gradeschool teacher, sister, another ex, lesbians, or the snotty bitch who beat them in the race for student council. Because once a guy has reached liberal-dom, he's moved as far as he needs to, you know? If he has feelings come up when he looks at/hears the voice of a particular woman, it's HER job to fix it. Politically speaking, it's no ass, no pass.

Okay, I'm clear now. As soon as we put forth the name of a woman who fits these very well-thought-out criteria, she will naturaly receive generous support from the Blogger Boyz. Same goes for Obama's Veep, of course. (And by the way, we would have hired a black or Hispanic for the management position if any qualified candidates had applied.)