Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Arrow No Longer In Your Quiver.

The distinguished Senator from Idaho—where apparently, he-da-ho.

Seems you cant go a fortnight without some level of GOP “Family Values” hypocrisy rearing its ugly, liver-spotted-like-Strom Thurmond “haid”.

The breaking news from under the desk of Senator Larry Craig (R-Hedaho)—via Jen, Digby and Roll Call:

Sgt. Dave Karsnia was working as a plainclothes officer on June 11 investigating civilian complaints regarding sexual activity in the men's public restroom in which Craig was arrested.

Airport police previously had made numerous arrests in the men's restroom of the Northstar Crossing in the Lindbergh Terminal in connection with sexual activity.

Karsnia entered the bathroom at noon that day and about 13 minutes after taking a seat in a stall, he stated he could see "an older white male with grey hair standing outside my stall."

The man, who lingered in front of the stall for two minutes, was later identified as Craig.

"I could see Craig look through the crack in the door from his position. Craig would look down at his hands, 'fidget' with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again. Craig would repeat this cycle for about two minutes," the report states.

Craig then entered the stall next to Karsnia's and placed his roller bag against the front of the stall door.

"My experience has shown that individuals engaging in lewd conduct use their bags to block the view from the front of their stall," Karsnia stated in his report. "From my seated position, I could observe the shoes and ankles of Craig seated to the left of me."

Craig was wearing dress pants with black dress shoes.

"At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. I moved my foot up and down slowly. While this was occurring, the male in the stall to my right was still present. I could hear several unknown persons in the restroom that appeared to use the restroom for its intended use. The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area," the report states.

Craig then proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times, and Karsnia noted in his report that "I could ... see Craig had a gold ring on his ring finger as his hand was on my side of the stall divider."

Karsnia then held his police identification down by the floor so that Craig could see it.

Rumors about Craig have been swirling for quite some time, with an exposé of how he was “voting right, while sleeping “light”, having been spiked recently thanks to pressure from concerned parties. But, once again proving the old adage “You can't keep a good GOP man down—once he's got it up in the men's room”, Craig evidently opted to keep pushing the envelope (every apt description of the general “thrust” of this event is going to sound like a first draft of a Penthouse Forum letter ), and found himself caught out there in George Michael-land—busted, and pleading guilty to lewd behavior in a public men's room.

Now, for me—vile behavior in such a place would encompass those who use the facility without care for “aim”, or find the need to fill the bowl with all 1000 sheets of the roll of NotScottTowels. Eruptive folks who opt for Pollack-esque public “art” in said spaces should be jailed as well. But...Senator Craig's indiscretions are...well, not quite of that variety. They appear to be more of the “interactive”, sort, if you will. This is apparently, against the law in most states—Florida included—where last month, GOP State Representative Bob Allen was also busted in a public men's room for soliciting lewd actsfrom an undercover cop. Allen's defense was that he feared “becoming a statistic” due to the presence of burly, aggressive Black men. (Picture above of the man Craig's people considered blaming for inciting the incident—until they realized that not only was this man not actually there in the men's room, but was also not in Minnesota, and really, was just some body-builder's pic they desperately snatched from Google Images.)

Senator Craig's people I'm sure considered floating that defense idea out there...until they realized that a single southern Florida men's room probably had more Black men in it than most of Minnesota in general, never mind Idaho, so out the glory hole went that defense. :) Thus, they merely sought to cover it up, and cover Craig's ass. (I told youevery apt description... ) And failed, as the record of the event slowly dribbled out (“Sigh!”) into the public.

But the thing to note here, is that what we are witnessing in the GOP, is akin to watching something die off in real time—right before your eyes. Like hockey players skating around with no helmets, or audio cassette tapes fading from the displays of your local electronics stores. The thing that is dying is the ability for the GOP to trot that bullshit “Family Values” card out as a club to bludgeon liberals with as they have over the last 20 years. In the wake of Foley, and Haggard, and Rudy, and Vitter, and Allen, and Craig, and who-the-fuck-else-it'll-be...next month, you'll note their reticence to rear up on hind legs and squawk like little punk-ass bitches, the pejorative, “San Francisco Liberal!”, like they did up until a few months ago. Our GOP boys on the down-low are as sprinkler-upsetting as a Tom of Finland poster convention at the Moscone Center. That which the right so loathes, and rails against—the idea of one's sexuality not necessarily being of the variety that sprouts little Santorums all over the place like Johnny Appleseed on crack, is the petard they so often nowadays find themselves hoisted upon.

And the bitch of it all is, that it's not like they're being exposed for long-term relationships with partners of some standing. It's all this furtive shit. Paid prostitutes with uncanny White House access. Conservative military experts who just yesterday were starring in porn flicks with titles like Tijuana Toilet Tramps , and offering their services on outcalls. Diapers and shit-play as the wallet would allow.

“Here a urinal, there a urinal, everywhere a' dremeled urinal. Old McWingnut's gettin' his swerve on, E-I-E-I-Ohhhhhhhh!” See, it's hardly the sort of long-term, stable, Susan Sontag and Annie Leibovitz thing, out this piece for our dear, fork-tongued friends on the right.

They're getting busted on what we call 'round the way, “the grimey shit”.

Running the family values bag, as a party-wide cudgel against the Left is a no-winner for that crew anymore. It is the arrow no longer in their quiver. Because once they deign to go down that road, up pops the litany of what would be by their description, “indiscretion after indiscretion”, with nary a Lefty counterbalance to spin against. Go there at your peril, Ed Gillespie. Please. I fucking beg of you...go there.

So what's left for 'em? Racism? Well...that's wearing a tad thin, as the immigration “debate” has backfired into millions more Latinos saying “Fuck that shit!”, to an antagonistic Republican party—for perhaps decades, now. And the hating on us Black folks is so Goddamned tired that it gets about as much mileage as a '72 Monaco wagon with 20 cinderblocks stashed in the wayback. Got so tired that they tried to run against it, to spark turnout in Black areas in putting up the smiling, move-only-when-you-pat-'em-on-the-head bobbleheads that were Steele, Blackwell and Swann. Which in the end, turned out so shitty that the trio's got enough time for an open ended tour as a singing group—“The Three Castrati”.

The only arrow left, is terror. Fear. The bearded, bomb-strapped boogeyman under your daughter's bed. (Insert wheezy “Count Floyd” 'Whoooooooooooooooo!' here for extra-scary effect.)

That's it. From here, until election week November of next year, and perhaps several election cycles thereafter, the only weapon left is pants-pissing fear. Or, to paraphrase the late, great Richard Pryor, “Old, strong ammonia pants-pissing fear.” An incredible motivator when used in tandem with other things—but left on its own as a fulcrum to hinge a party's future on, well...its cheap-fuck, penny-barrel hardware indeed. So by all means, oh loyal opposition—ride that horse. Ride that horse, till his nuts're draggin' in the mud, fellas.

And uh...speaking of nuts dragging... :)

UPDATE: Oh Jesus!

He started his press conference by saying, “Thank you all for coming out today.”

I. Shit. You. Not.

UPDATE #2: As per the comments, which are killin' me, this classic moment from Dave Chappelle— “This is not the first time I've tasted penis. I've had several in my line of work.”