Saturday, February 6, 2010

As We Exalt Athleticism Channeled Through The Entertainment Industry...

My suggestions for new Olympic sports:

(1) Contestants must have cruciate ligaments of one knee removed entirely, other knee without cartilage or matching end-plate surfaces, tibial and talar surfaces must also meet at diverging angles, and visible bony outriggers beneath skin on both sides of one knee.
(2) Contestants cannot lift more than 5 lb and should not use abdominal muscles (which are not really avaiable for much anyhow) to change position or exert self.
(3) Current venue precludes rotation of left shoulder.
(4) Both hands exhibit strong tremors during fine motor activity.
(5) Some thumb and finger oppisition is limited or delayed, but this is intermittent (at referees' discretion.)
(6) Asthma flares after a minute of exertion.

CRIPTATHLON challenges to include:

Opening shrink-wrap around almost anything.
Opening "child-proof" medicine caps.
Opening juice and beverage bottles.
Transporting any sort of meal from one room to another while leaning safely on a rolling walker.
Tying shoes.
Pulling up pants if skin is sweaty from exertion.
Getting items from floor three feet away.
Filling out lengthy, repetitive forms in longhand because government websites are always down after 8 years of George W. Bush.
Answering dozens of emails wanting a personal response to "How are you doing? What's new?"
Wiping ass. (Bonus points if contestant has had explosive diarrhea.)

I'm due for a Gold medal but I can't get up on the winner's stand. And will someone please raise my clenched fist into the air for me during the national anthem?