Friday, March 13, 2009

Arrrgh! Spider!!!

Two slices of leftover pizza in a pizza box
Two slices of left over pizza in a pizza box.

Photo removed on 6/23/2009
per request of copyright holder under the DMCA

Original photo can (as of this date) be found at Green Nature
The "Giant House Spider." Yes, that is really its name.

Booga-de-booga-de-BOO! *shudders*

Was reaching for the next-to-last pizza when a HUGE SPIDER crawled out from under the mushrooms and waved its legs and big terrible fangs at me...

"Yo, mo-fo... This slice is mine."

Whap! Whap, slap. Bam, bam, ka-boom, thwap.

FUCK! He's fast. "Goddammit, where are you! Aaaaaargh! Die, dammit, die!"

BAM! *looks* SQUEEZE! *looks again* SQUEEEEEEZZZZE! *looks again*

*smiles tightly*

The remains of the spider, several napkins, and two slices of pizza -- all in incy wincy bitsy spider pieces, plus crumpled napkin and destroyed pizza slices, contaminated no doubt with SPIDER EGGS, ewwwww! -- are in a pizza take-out box outside my locked bedroom door.

You betcha.

They're not getting me while I sleep, no sir. Not climbing up onto the ceiling and sliding down spider silk onto my face and then creeping into my mouth or my nose (yes, they can compress themselves that small no problem) or into my ears like that pinching bug in Star Trek II that went in what-his-name's ear and made him a slave. No spider's biting me on my eyeball, or coming down with their thousands of little spider babies alive clinging onto their belly and then they let them loose in my hair while I sleep to crawl down across my face walking over my eyeballs and inside my nose and mouth to eat me from the inside.

On the other hand, I really like tarantulas. They're from Arizona. *waves to Arizona* It's the little household bity spiders like the Brown Recluse, Hobo and Giant Household Spider that creep me out. Yes I know they're good for us and eat insects and do good, yuh-huh. But they still creep me the frack out.

I'm talking about the spiders small enough to climb in bed with you and eat you alive as you sleep. Not that they'll do that to me, see. 'Cause I'm protected with Spider-be-gone and special anti-spider drugs plus specially trained anti-spider sasquatch's with night-vision goggles. It's you who need to worry. 'Cause if they can't get to me, they need to eat something. Or someone.

Sweet dreams.

(I wonder if I took too much of that med that messes with my dreams, earlier. Oh well...)

Update 6/23/2009:
The second photo on the post was removed per the request of the copyright holder, under the DMCA. (Group News Blog ALWAYS carries out its legal obligations under the DMCA -- see instructions in the Contact section.)

In addition, we added a link (valid as of today) back to the original photo at Green Nature.