Monday, January 26, 2009

Buffalo Wings Are a Pain in the Ass

For Our Superbowl Party We Go Pocho

Instead of little messy buffalo wings, we serve what has come to be known as "Mexicali Thunder Thighs."

This was begun on account of I hate the fuss for the food that is presented by your average buffalo wings. I mean, hey, it's bar food. Even though it's been nearly seventeen years since I have had a drink, I've still had to go into bars to work. I still know bar food. Most Americans do not have what I would call a cultured palatte. Shit, most of the Americans I have met in bars would eat steamed toenail clippings if you stuck a neon red sauce on them and served it with a half price pitcher of watery ass lager.

These have the advantage of actually being food. A chicken thigh is a whole piece of food. Way better than a silly little wing. More food, less trash.

So, let's start with the chicken itself.

Get a couple packages of chicken thighs, skin on. Skin on. That's important. Take the thighs and put them into a large pot, with a steamer tray, over boiling water. Steam the thighs covered for 20 minutes. Remove, place on a bed of paper towel to drain and cool. At least an hour.

Place a sheet of baking parchment on a sheet pan, put the chicken thighs on to the parchment and bake at 450° for 15 minutes. Turn the thighs with tongs, and bake another 15 minutes.

While the chicken is baking take equal parts ketchup and Tapatio® picante sauce, toss in a healthy dose of granulated garlic, a few shakes of red wine vinegar, if the spirit moves you a pinch or two of Coleman's English Mustard Powder and mix with a fork until smooth. Don't worry about the proportions. Play with the ingredients. You'll have a great time trying and adjusting this. Just remember to use equal parts ketchup and Tapatio and you'll do just fine. If you don't have a good enough Mexican department where you shop I pity you. There really is no substitute for it. Be bold and be adventurous and you'll hit upon a perfect mix. Try substituting lime juice for the vinegar. Anything goes.

When the chicken comes out of the oven, arrange on a serving platter and brush liberally with the sauce. Put more sauce in little bowls for dipping. Also serve with a good, chunky bleu cheese dressing and cut crudites.

Serve this and you'll be a hero. Go Cardinals! I really want to fucking rub it in when I'm in Pittsburgh for the Netroots and walk around wearing my Pat Tillman jersey.

Plus, I'm grateful to Kurt Warner for making the world a little cooler for old, washed up guys everywhere.

If there are any readers from Pittsburgh who would like to get onto some creative betting, drop me a comment or an email. I'll bet Raspberry Truffles, come up with something good and I'll give you some action. Your beloved Steelers are going the fuck down. Make peace with it now, you'll thank me later.